Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
