its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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