i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
