There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
