gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
