Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
