Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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