You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
