I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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