your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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