I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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