Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
