i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
