Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
