Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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