She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
