I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
