I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
