allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love you. Go after that dick
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
