I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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