do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
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If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE