woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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