Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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