the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
