I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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