Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
