drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
