Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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