why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
