what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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