I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
