Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
