Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So squirting runs in the family.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
