so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
