I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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