I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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