Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
