She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
