I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
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do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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