you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
