If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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