Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Vodka?
Forever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
