....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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