between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
