and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
