We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
