Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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