I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would fuck him just for his dog
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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