i permit you to call me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
