Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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