it's too hot outside to masturbate.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
