Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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