this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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