I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
